Friday, June 11, 2010

My Peace

Writing about myself helps me focus on things that I like and do best, or hope for, or am afraid of. It is a valuable practice to list and evaluate those from time to time. So here we go...

It is weird for me to know three languages that well - all three, or at least two, are used daily and are like second nature to me for the most part. Yet I still have an excuse that I could probably do this better in Russian. Although I got to say that the way we, immigrant Russians/Ukrainians, are talking is probably the best way - we combine Russian with English and use them both in a single sentence whenever one English word fits better then Russian or the other way around.
I was always good with words, I can taste them, feel their meaning. It figures having linguists all over my family tree. However my level does not go farther than high school, and I, for the lack of proper training in writing, enjoy using words in a simple, uncomplicated manner. I like words that make me feel something, that bring up memories. I practice bringing up those memories with my own words whenever I have time.

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If someone would ask me: "Who are you" I wouldn't have to think. I am God's creation, his messy, sinful, disobedient, but nevertheless loved daughter. This is one thing in my life that I am proud to announce. The rest... well the rest consist of all the fabulous gifts I was given by my Father and what I did with them. And that is basically my life - trying to do the best I can with all that I am given.
The best gift my God gave me would be internal peace - it's that feeling when you know that not only everything is GOING to be alright, but that it is ALREADY fabulous. It is when every day I wake up and want to live. It is when every day is filled with adventures and excitement and new discoveries. This is how I know that He is with me, in me, and all around me. His presence makes my life amazing in every way!
All that internal peace makes me creative. By creating I celebrate the way my hands are made! My peace also encourages me to notice all the beautiful things around me so my dad got me my SLR camera, and although I don't have time every day, I love to be able to share at least a bit of the beauty that I see with whoever is interested. My peace, although the best thing I have ever been given, also makes me a bit lonely, because people today don't encourage peace. My peace takes my heart to green places, where the nature is less about survival and more about nourished striving. This is why the desert that I live in, although loved and well known by now, feels a bit unwelcoming. I wish I could be back in the place where a seed, dropped by the wind, would most likely survive.
I know this would sound weir, but this gift of peace also brings me love for who I am. Not for what I have done, or achieved, but for what I was given - I love the way no dye can match my hair color, I love the fairness of my skin, the thinness of my fingers, the green brownness of my eyes, the look of determination on my lips - and I thank God for that every day! I dream about the day I could give birth to an angel that would have some of those things in his or her nature. There are many amazing and happy things my internal peace brings me, and one of the most important is love of time: I want to live today, praise for yesterday, and cannot wait to get to the future. I can't wait until I get to gain weight while being pregnant, or I would love to see my hair getting grey, I am looking forward to my "adult" days when I get to work, have a garden and many kiddos, yet I also would love to retire and give all the rest of my time to my grandchildren while awaiting for God to take me.
My piece brings me hope, happy tears, excitement, and praise to God for His amazing ways! So many things I wish I would have done differently, and so many regrets are ahead, but I know He knows that as well and has already forgiven! Isn't THAT amazing.

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